A day out

The kids were off school on St Paddy's Day so Dan and I decided to take the wee ones out for the day. The big kids weren't really interested in coming, or had already made plans, so we through a trip to Barneys old favourite place, the 'train museum' would be a good idea. A few years back we used to go here nearly every week! Barney was obsessed with the place. But it's been a good while since we last went... back when Rosie was just a wee baby, I think. It was a nice day out. It was nice that Rosie was old enough to run around the trains and enjoy the time with her big brother. She was really excited by some of the cars on display. Afterwards we went to Pizza Hut and made pigs of ourselves with lots of pizza, salad and ice cream! Nom nom.

Swimming, swimming, what do we do?

Swimming... swimming... What do we do? ... We keep on swimming :) (From Finding Nemo)

Daddy's Little Girl

This is a wee video Daddy made today of his wee Rosie. She is so beautiful. And growing up so fast. Two years old and such a character.

Rest In Peace...

RIP my friend.

May you finally have found freedom and peace.

As all my friends and family know, and most of my blog readers, I have been writing to E for over 6 years. E was serving a death sentence and had been in prison for over 23 years. Last week the US government killed him by lethal injection in an execution that was surrounded by controversy and media coverage.

I am so glad that I got to meet E back in 2008. What an experience it was to visit death row, and to meet someone that I'd been writing to for so long. He was just how I imagined he would be, from his letters and phone calls. A very funny man with the ability to easily make me laugh out loud.

Over 6 years, countless letters and dozens of phone calls I felt that E had become my friend. Despite any crimes he may have commited, he had a place in my heart. 23 years can change a person, that much is true. I looked forward to his letters. I will miss the excitement of seeing that American stamped letter in my mail box.

A few weeks back, just after my birthday, E phoned me for the last time. We talked for over 40 minutes. Only now do I realise that he had phoned to say goodbye. He was more open than he had been before about what my friendship meant to him, and how me and my family would always have a place in his heart. He told me that I was the only person for many years who cared to give him the time of day, and that my letters had meant so much to him. Then he told me that he didn't have long left, stating 'possibly the end of January'.

The horror of this didn't really hit me until I heard the news that he had been granted a death warrant and a date had been set. I felt immediately sick. I spent the next two weeks in utter torment and upset. I had always known this day would come, but also always beleived it wouldn't. After all, nothing had happened for twenty-three years, so perhaps nothing would?

But the day did come. For two weeks I found it so hard to continue with daily life. The thought of E was constantly in my mind. The horror of what was happening. The execution was scheduled for midnight our time. I sat alone in my bed and spent the evening reading through the letters he had sent me. I had a glass of wine, played music, and discovered little treasures in the letters that I'd long forgotten.... little cards with cute sayings on them, a gold cross that was his mothers, drawings of me that he had done from photos, photos that he had sent me himself. As midnight came I said a prayer for him. I know he was at peace with God and looking forward to his final freedom. I lit a candle and sat on my bed surrounded by letters until the small hours of morning. His execution was delayed for several hours, but it did finally happen. The following day I read the news reports about it.

I felt a little peace after it was done. The horror of waiting was over and he was suffering no more. Now I feel sad that I will not hear from him again. I feel sad when I get my mail and know that there will be no chance of anything from him again. But I no longer feel so tortured.

I will miss E a lot, more than my words can convey. He brought something to my life and I to his. And I am truly glad that I took the time to get to know him. Rest in Peace E.

Well, that was a shit two years

Yes, I swore, on my blog (so get over it - apparently I'm already going to hell so I might as well enjoy the odd swear word)

I haven't really been blogging lately. It's not that I don't have anything to blog about. On the contrary, right now I could probably write an award winning book about my life. Ah, but only if I had the time.

So 2011 has begun, and we are already a few weeks in. I had high hopes for 2011. Ok... not high hopes exactly, but I did hope for less heart ache, less pain, less illness, less hurt... and more of the good stuff, like laughter, good health, fun, love and happiness. I haven't give up hope of that yet. I just don't believe that January will be offering much of it.

I am pleased that finally the medical profession have realised that I am indeed struggling through some sort of illness and am not just a fat, unfit blob of self inflicted bad health. I provided them recently with enough blood and urine to fill a bath tub, and they provided me with something I already knew.... that "something is wrong with you Ms M". Yay, big clap for the medics. Hurrah. So what is wrong? Well, I have my suspicions and they seem to be testing in that direction, but all they will tell me so far is "that it is something very rare and will take time to diagnose". The fact is that they are testing for Cushings Disease, Conn's Syndrome or Pheocromocytoma. Whilst that all sounds very scary, in fact it means that something in my adrenal system is amiss. Somewhere between my kidneys and my pituitary gland has decided to turn against me and is releasing colossal amounts of hormones/steroids which make me feel generally shitey mcnitey. Also, my blood pressure is pretty much as high as it can get before it kills me so there is some urgency to find out what is wrong. My blood and urine came back 'abnormal' and I've been summoned for a renal and abdominal scan. Hopefully that will shed some light. At the moment I generally feel like my body hates me. And I am starting to take a bit of a disliking to it in return.

So. January has been a mixed month. On the one hand I am finally starting the process of finding out whats wrong with me. And I can say a happy good riddance to 2010 and every shit thing it brought with it. I have a whole new year to look forward to. Who knows what it will hold? There is definitely some good stuff happening. A very special someone has been making me smile a lot. My kids have been nothing but super stars lately and are making me the most proud mama ever. I'm starting to ponder on what to do with my new nutritional qualification, which is exiting. I have more good friends now than ever before, which makes me very happy. But at the same time I still find myself constantly tinged with sadness and loss.

And to add to all that I have this week been given some totally devastating news about a friend of mine, which I can not share on this blog at this time. But which most people close to me know about. And this news has absolutely whacked me full thwack on the forehead, concussing me, winding me and taking my breath away. I don't know how to process this, how to feel, what to think. Thankfully I have a friend who seems to really understand how this is hitting me, and without her I'd be lost. Most people just can not relate to this situation at all and the normal response is to stare in a shocked look or panic. I wish I could write about it on here. In time I will. But not now.

I must keep reminding myself that I am one of the luckiest people on the planet. That much is very true. And I have so much to be thankful for. And I am thankful. But I'm also stuck in a place of sadness and loss at times. Here are some photos of the last few weeks just to show that all is not doom and gloom :)

Airing the cobwebs

My week away at a lovely, secluded little cottage in Ballintoy on the coast of Northern Ireland seems such a long time ago now. In reality it was just a few weeks back. But I’ve been slack at blogging (well, slack? Not really, more like busy)

It was a very last minute decision on my part to get away.  Marty was willing to look after the kids and I needed a break like you wouldn’t believe. The stress of the last year was getting to me and I feared I might totally lose my marbles.  So I found this little cottage near the Giants Causeway and booked it for a week. Then persuaded (ok, to be honest not much persuasion was really needed) two friends to join me.  K and E. K could only come for the weekend as he had to get back to work. 

We had a lovely time. Lots of chilling out. Playing guitar and music. Dark walks in spooky graveyards where coffins were actually lifting out of the ground and moving about all over the place!  We discovered a little harbour and beach just down from our cottage and went exploring.  And lots of eating… especially on my part.

E and I had more time to really explore the area. The Causeway Coastal route is breathtakingly beautiful.  It was bitterly cold, and windy, but still so beautiful.  E and I visited The Giants Causeway (the wind there really cleared our sinuses!), as well as various little beaches along the way.  It was great to have nothing too serious to think about for a few days and to enjoy some fresh air.  We had lots of giggles, watched movies, did the most ridiculous things under the influence of vodka and generally had a great time. E spent every evening tending the open fire and keeping us warm, whilst I mostly fed us.

Snow days

I’m not going to write much on this post. I just wanted to make some comment about the fact that its been snowing through November and December.  I don’t remember snow at this time of year before.  It feels very Christmassy, but it’s a bugger when you’re waiting for parcels!  Anyway, I thought I’d post some pics of the kids putting up the Christmas tree and out playing in the white stuff.

 

 

 

December Birthday Bash

 

My darling friend J promised A and I last December that she would organise us a proper birthday bash this year. A’s birthday is on Christmas Eve, and mine is 29th December; and because of the timing we rarely manage to get people to go out and celebrate.  It’s just such a busy time of year.  So this year we celebrated it a few weeks early, and invited all our nearest and dearest.  J organised the whole thing and did an excellent job.  A and I were way over excited about it for many weeks before hand. 

We met at S’s house for pre party drinks before heading to an Indian restaurant for a delicious meal. Mmmm, I have been craving curry since that night. Drool.  Two of my sisters were able to make it, which I was pleased about, as well as some of my dearest friends. After the meal we headed off to party at Lavery’s – but since it was Christmas the queue to get in was ridiculous so we ended up at a students union goth night of all places!!! Watching the little goths dancing in their strange outfits was quite entertaining!

I had been quite sick with a fluey type bug for several days before and was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make my own party. Luckily enough I was well enough on the Saturday night, although I really didn’t have my partying strength back. I would dance, then feel like death for a bit and sit. Then dance a wee bit more. Hehe. But it was all good fun.  Both J and K went out of their way to make my birthday bash a night to remember.  Thanks so much guys.  I had a blast :-) and am already looking forward to next years!

 

Rosie turns 2.

        

Even now, as I sit to write this, I truly can not believe that my baby girl has just celebrated her second birthday.  The last 3 years or so have passed in a bit of a whirlwind for me.  The amazing trip of a lifetime which was like a dream, resulting in the unexpected miracle of our little baby, all passed by as if I was in some sort of dream state.   Being pregnant passed me by in a haze. Even the birth (which was by C section, under general anaesthetic) wasn’t a tangible experience.  The two years since the birth of Rosie have been traumatic, eventful and everything in between. So, you see, the last two years seem to have passed me by as if I’ve been dosed to the eyeballs on a mixture of stress, torture, extreme joy and adventure!  Since she arrived Barney has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and went through 18 months of real difficulties; two of my children have grown into almost adults; my marriage has fallen apart and I’ve become a single mama.  Yeah. It’s been a hectic two years.

So I am forever grateful for this beautiful bundle of joy that is part of our lives now. Little Rosie is truly the happiest person that ever existed.  She is a little miracle and brings only good things to our family.  I can’t even begin to count how many times a day I hear myself saying to her older siblings things like “isn’t she just adorable?”, “doesn’t she make you so happy?”, “don’t you just love her to bits?”  She is adored by us all.  She fills every day with love, cuddles, and wonder.  At the moment she is at that fascinating stage of life where she can start to express her wonder in everything she see’s or experiences.  Little things that we take for granted fill her with fascination or excitement. 

Her second birthday was a bit of a let down. The poor child caught the chicken pox a few days before her birthday so we put it off for a while. But we had to celebrate it a few days later as it is getting so close to Christmas.  She opened her presents slowly, lacking in energy or enthusiasm. However she enjoyed the birthday cake and us all singing happy birthday to her.  We had a mini party – just the six of us – and ate sweets, cakes and party food. That pleased her :-)  I don’t want her to grow up any more. I like her at this age.  She’s just so precious.

It occurred to me that Tarja's birthday has come and gone without a mention on my blog, and soon it will be Rosie's second birthday. So I am just literally posting a few photos for family of the day Tarja turned 14; which was only about 2 weeks ago. She is the most beautiful teenager I ever did see :-)

Dawning

It's been dawning on me lately just how awesome my kids are. When I think back to what I was like at age 15, I feel so proud of my kids and how totally lovely they are the majority of the time. Sure, they have their moments.... after all they are only human, like the rest of us. But despite their humanity I have to say that they are each remarkable people in their own right. Considering two of them are teenagers, there are rarely any bad moods in the house (apart from my own!), rarely much arguing or shouting, very little door slamming or sulking in general (again, apart from me).

The last few months have opened my eyes to what thoughtful, caring, well mannered young people they are. I am so proud of them, and also so sorry at times that I am not a better mother to them. I wish I was not only human. Anyway, I want to write a little about each one of them.... (obviously these are not their real names, as regular readers of my blog will know)

Badger - Badger is 15 now and in his last year of high school, the GCSE year. He doesn't really like school work, but he has an amazing talent for film making, script writing and such like. I honestly believe he is a Steven Speilberg in the making. He can spend hours, days, or even weeks writing scripts, filming, editing films and adding special features to them. I wish he had the confidence to show people his efforts as they are actually really brilliant. Badger is a very loving person, and extremely caring, especially towards his old mama. He genuinely worries about me, and wants me to be happy. He has an amazing ability to argue his point and not back down on a subject.... only to come back an hour later saying he has thought about things and was in the wrong. He appologises and gives me a hug. I think this is pretty damn amazing for a 15 year old lad! He is way smarter than he realises, and a real likable person. His creativity knows no bounds, and his imagination is just inspirational. For a 15 year old lad he is one of the nicest people I know. And I remember what I was like at 15. I was not one of the nicest people I knew! Badger fills my life with joy in so many ways. He is always happy, always cracking jokes, so full of energy and zest. Sometimes he gets up with Emily in the morning at the weekend so his poor mama can get some sleep. Sometimes he just cleans the kitchen for me, or tidies the living room, without being asked; so that I can get a bit of a rest. He is just lovely. And he gives me lots of hugs.

Tarja - Tarja is going to be 14 next week. She is beautiful, and always has been, inside and out. Tarja does her school work well, behaves at school and always likes to do her best with everything. She is a little perfectionist. She's rarely moody or nasty and mostly just breezes through every day without causing any trouble. She is, like me, an extremely sensitive person. From no age she cared for animals, insects and the planet Earth. I remember that year after year she would spend ages every day saving little flies and creepy crawlies that had fallen into the paddling pool. She has adopted an Elephant and would probably adopt every animal and orphan on the planet if she could. She is like a second Mummy to Rosie. About a million times every day I call out to her for help; things like 'will you make Rosie a bottle?' 'will you put the telly on for Rosie?' 'will you take your baby sister for a minute so that I can cook dinner?' She never, ever complains, and just helps out with a happy heart. To be honest, without Tarja I don't know how I would get things done. She is like a mothers helper to me, and she seems happy enough that way. The love she has for her baby sister is beautiful, and inspiring. Tarja has also gotten up with Rosie some mornings when I've really needed rest. She makes a good friend and is someone people like to be around. This house probably wouldn't run anywhere near as well without her.

Barney - Barney is a huge character, and the best company anyone could wish for. He is totally lovable in every way. His dimples make him even more adorable. Barney showers me with love, and cuddles, kisses and the most loving of words. He must tell me that he loves me about 30 times every day (as does Jimmie). He has a fabulous sense of humour, a very quick and curious mind, and a desire to learn about everything. Barney is absolutely, totally, devoted to and in love with his baby sister. He protects her, entertains her, and cares for her in a way that is deeply touching to see. They have a real bond together and I hope this will always last. She thinks the world of him, and he thinks that she is the world. Barney is one of the bravest people I know. He has faced far more than most children his age and has come through stronger and happier. This is something I really admire in him. He is such a happy child, always full of laughter, song, dance and chatter. He talks more than anyone I know. When Barney is not around I miss him badly. I can't wait to get him back into my arms, and to listen to his chatter. Every day I feel that I gain something so precious from having spent time with him.

Rosie - Rosie simply has to be the best behaved toddler on the planet? She never cries unless she really needs to, and always stops as soon as she receives comfort or her point is made. Seriously, I have never known a baby cry as little. She is extremely well mannered and says please, thankyou much, sorry, excuse me, or dont worry more times every day thank I can count. She adores all her siblings. Her cuddles melt me every time, as does her smile. If ever I feel that I can't cope, or am overwhelmed, a cuddle from Rosie makes everything worth while. The happiness she brings to this family is precious beyond words. We all love her to bits, and she must feel it because she is simply so happy to be alive.

So I am one blessed Mama, and not a single day ever goes by without me realising it. I have more beauty and happiness in my life than I deserve, and I treasure it with my whole heart. The last few months (but especially weeks) have been an extremely difficult time for me. I am always tired, always emotional, stressed out and possibly going slightly nuts. I've been snappy with the kids, impatient, less understanding than usual, and generally grouchy or tearful. I feel so awful that I can't always be the perfect mother for my kids. But through all this hardship I have had my eyes opened to what great little people they have turned out to be. The older two have been a great support to me, and I am so, so proud of the adults they are becoming. Although I am not always the best person I can be at the moment, I am happy to see that I must have done something right somewhere along the line, and that they have the skills they need in life to cope with both the good and the bad.

Positives

I don't get as much time as I'd like to update this blog these days. Mostly due to tiredness and time restraints. However, I wanted to write a very short post to say that Barney has been doing much, much better coming off his meds than it originally appeared. A few posts below this one you can read about my concerns about him coming off the anxiety meds, but I have to say that it only lasted a few days and since then he has been doing remarkably well. He does have his wee moments of mild anxiety, but considering the stress we have all been through with other life events this last few weeks, he is doing amazingly well. I am so proud of him, and also so relieved.