Yes, I swore, on my blog (so get over it - apparently I'm already going to hell so I might as well enjoy the odd swear word)
I haven't really been blogging lately. It's not that I don't have anything to blog about. On the contrary, right now I could probably write an award winning book about my life. Ah, but only if I had the time.
So 2011 has begun, and we are already a few weeks in. I had high hopes for 2011. Ok... not high hopes exactly, but I did hope for less heart ache, less pain, less illness, less hurt... and more of the good stuff, like laughter, good health, fun, love and happiness. I haven't give up hope of that yet. I just don't believe that January will be offering much of it.
I am pleased that finally the medical profession have realised that I am indeed struggling through some sort of illness and am not just a fat, unfit blob of self inflicted bad health. I provided them recently with enough blood and urine to fill a bath tub, and they provided me with something I already knew.... that "something is wrong with you Ms M". Yay, big clap for the medics. Hurrah. So what is wrong? Well, I have my suspicions and they seem to be testing in that direction, but all they will tell me so far is "that it is something very rare and will take time to diagnose". The fact is that they are testing for Cushings Disease, Conn's Syndrome or Pheocromocytoma. Whilst that all sounds very scary, in fact it means that something in my adrenal system is amiss. Somewhere between my kidneys and my pituitary gland has decided to turn against me and is releasing colossal amounts of hormones/steroids which make me feel generally shitey mcnitey. Also, my blood pressure is pretty much as high as it can get before it kills me so there is some urgency to find out what is wrong. My blood and urine came back 'abnormal' and I've been summoned for a renal and abdominal scan. Hopefully that will shed some light. At the moment I generally feel like my body hates me. And I am starting to take a bit of a disliking to it in return.
So. January has been a mixed month. On the one hand I am finally starting the process of finding out whats wrong with me. And I can say a happy good riddance to 2010 and every shit thing it brought with it. I have a whole new year to look forward to. Who knows what it will hold? There is definitely some good stuff happening. A very special someone has been making me smile a lot. My kids have been nothing but super stars lately and are making me the most proud mama ever. I'm starting to ponder on what to do with my new nutritional qualification, which is exiting. I have more good friends now than ever before, which makes me very happy. But at the same time I still find myself constantly tinged with sadness and loss.
And to add to all that I have this week been given some totally devastating news about a friend of mine, which I can not share on this blog at this time. But which most people close to me know about. And this news has absolutely whacked me full thwack on the forehead, concussing me, winding me and taking my breath away. I don't know how to process this, how to feel, what to think. Thankfully I have a friend who seems to really understand how this is hitting me, and without her I'd be lost. Most people just can not relate to this situation at all and the normal response is to stare in a shocked look or panic. I wish I could write about it on here. In time I will. But not now.
I must keep reminding myself that I am one of the luckiest people on the planet. That much is very true. And I have so much to be thankful for. And I am thankful. But I'm also stuck in a place of sadness and loss at times. Here are some photos of the last few weeks just to show that all is not doom and gloom :)