Crashing back down to earth

I’ve come crashing back down to earth today with a very sudden, solid thump.  I shouldn’t complain as I’ve had a brilliant week. Marty took the kids for two days, and then my fearless mother took them for three days. My wee sis and her hubbie took the older two camping at the weekend as well. So I had a true break from the stress of daily life.  And I enjoyed it thoroughly. I ate and drank far too much, did far too little, did almost no housework what so ever, and met up with friends every single day.  I am now totally broke, suffering physically from so much neglect, and shattered! But a different kind of shattered to the norm.  Ahh yes, it was good.

I really enjoyed the chance to spend more time with friends, and to cultivate some newer friendships with people who I hope will remain lifelong friends.

It was wonderful to get the kids back today. I’ve had more cuddles from Rosie today than ever before, and she’s been so happy to be home.  I do really miss my littluns when they’re not here.  But at the same time, I now feel really down. The impending doom of the new school year starting next week.  Badgers final GCSE year, Barney’s un-doubtable daily panic attacks as I try to get him into school. The monotony of every day routine and school life all over again.  I’m really not looking forward to it. And this year I am doing it all alone.  I know it will be ok, but right now I just feel like running away.

I’ve been thinking lately about where to go with life now. I have my nutritional qualification now. The plan was for me to pursue that this year and get my business off the ground, whilst Marty took care of the kids and house. But that can’t happen now. So what do I do? Just sit about being Mum and watching life speed on without me?  I’ve realised now that I have absolutely nothing here in Banbridge. No job, no husband, no friends, no reason for being here – apart from my house and the kids who have schools and friends here. I have friends but not one of them lives in Banbridge. I don’t know. Half of me is thinking about selling this big house, giving Marty his half of the money and just moving on. Moving away. Expecting nothing from him and being free. 

I probably just need a good sleep.