Crashing back down to earth

I’ve come crashing back down to earth today with a very sudden, solid thump.  I shouldn’t complain as I’ve had a brilliant week. Marty took the kids for two days, and then my fearless mother took them for three days. My wee sis and her hubbie took the older two camping at the weekend as well. So I had a true break from the stress of daily life.  And I enjoyed it thoroughly. I ate and drank far too much, did far too little, did almost no housework what so ever, and met up with friends every single day.  I am now totally broke, suffering physically from so much neglect, and shattered! But a different kind of shattered to the norm.  Ahh yes, it was good.

I really enjoyed the chance to spend more time with friends, and to cultivate some newer friendships with people who I hope will remain lifelong friends.

It was wonderful to get the kids back today. I’ve had more cuddles from Rosie today than ever before, and she’s been so happy to be home.  I do really miss my littluns when they’re not here.  But at the same time, I now feel really down. The impending doom of the new school year starting next week.  Badgers final GCSE year, Barney’s un-doubtable daily panic attacks as I try to get him into school. The monotony of every day routine and school life all over again.  I’m really not looking forward to it. And this year I am doing it all alone.  I know it will be ok, but right now I just feel like running away.

I’ve been thinking lately about where to go with life now. I have my nutritional qualification now. The plan was for me to pursue that this year and get my business off the ground, whilst Marty took care of the kids and house. But that can’t happen now. So what do I do? Just sit about being Mum and watching life speed on without me?  I’ve realised now that I have absolutely nothing here in Banbridge. No job, no husband, no friends, no reason for being here – apart from my house and the kids who have schools and friends here. I have friends but not one of them lives in Banbridge. I don’t know. Half of me is thinking about selling this big house, giving Marty his half of the money and just moving on. Moving away. Expecting nothing from him and being free. 

I probably just need a good sleep.

Proud Mummy Alert!

I was so proud of Barney this week. He attended a summer scheme especially for kids on the spectrum. His therapist phoned to say there was a place on it and she felt it would be really beneficial for him. The poor kid was a nervous wreck. A new situation, new people, the unknown - an Aspie nightmare.

I convinced him to give it a try as I know theres not a hope in hell of him attending a regular summer scheme, and I thought mixing with some other kids who think like him might help him. He only gets to attend twice before school starts. The scheme has just 4 children in it, so it's pretty intense. Four kids and six adults! That's some ratio! When he found out there would only be three other kids he felt better about going, but when he walked in and saw all those adults he freaked out. He was very upset for 5 minutes or so but then F (his therapist) and I managed to persuade him to go in, with his timer, for 5 minutes at a time, whilst I sat in the kitchen.

I was so proud of him for giving it a go. After 5 minutes he was having the time of his life! I could hear him above all the other children, laughing and giggling. All the kids helped make him a Spongebob scene to get settled in, as Spongebob is one of his favourite things.

Each child is making a huge collage of themselves. They drew around the kids on a big sheet of paper and are filling in the outline with photos, art work and various different activities. Next week he will get to bring this life size montage home with him. He can't wait to go back.

Since he was so brave, and I was so proud, I bought a huge chocolate cake to celebrate :) This made him very happy. He came out of the summer scheme saying "Mum, those kids all seemed normal to me!" And so I was able to say that yes kids with autism are just like everyone else in lots of ways, and that autism is only a little part of them.

Girl Friends

I've been thinking lately about how lucky I am to have made some absolutely fabulous friends over the last few years, and to have kept some amazing women in my life since childhood. I was brought up not to treasure friends and often remember the 'church' subtly trying to discourage friendships outside of the fellowship. But despite their negative inflluences I always treasured every friend I have ever made. I think I am a good friend, and I value my friends with all my heart. When leaving the 'church' we left behind 90% of the people we had grown up with, had social lives with and were literally cast out as some sort of leper.

So, although it's not a long blog post, I just wanted to say a huge thankyou to the women in my life, who have been a tower or strength to me over the last 3 years (and beyond for some). I treasure each of you girls with my whole heart. Each one of you offers different qualities, opinions, ideas and laughs. Some of you do coffee with me and let me moan about school issues and sleepless nights. Some of you have listened to me for literally hours whilst I've poured my heart out to you. Some of you offer me fun, distraction and wonderfully happy times. Whatever you offer to me, I hope I give back something of value to you.

So to each woman pictured below, I want to say that I love each of you and am forever grateful to have known you. May we all be lifelong friends and never lose touch.

4th August 2010. Emilys first real walk. She has taken about 3 steps before - for chocolate. But this was her first proper walk :) Excuse the cute, dimpled bare bottom.

No Surprise

Every time I listen to this song I end up in floods of tears. But yet I keep listening. It feels good to let it out. I've been coping totally alone for about 3 months now and am mostly fine. I'd say I'm doing really well actually, considering. But when I heard this song and read the lyrics it was as if someone had totally epitomised everything that I've been unable to say.

Don't get me wrong. I think ours has been the most peaceful, respectful breakup that I've ever known. But still, 16 years have passed by. There are bound to be some sad feelings. And at the moment I really feel very sad. I'm finding it hard mostly because I seem to be the only one looking after the kids the majority of the time. And anyone who's spent a day in my mad house has probaly been happy for peace and quiet at the end of it! haha. Yeah, I'm needing some peace and quiet I think.

I'm not surprised that I have once again turned to music to help me heal. I always do. Last year when I went through a lot of shit with someone, and after coming out of the church, I used to play Apocalyptica's 'I dont care' every day. I'd sing as loud as I could to it and it was as if the words and music would get out the feelings I had trapped deep inside. It is still a song that I turn to if I ever feel angry. Which I do, a lot! Lol.

Maybe I've trained in the wrong profession! Perhaps music therapy would have been better suited to me! On a positive note I have just finished my nutrition course now and am waiting for that peice of paper that allows me to work (as if I well ever get time!) as a nutritional advisor.