Friday, 9 July 2010

Dear Friends,


Dear Friends,

If you matter, then you already know the details. It’s good to have friends. Good friends always know the right thing to do. They don’t swarm overhead like a pack of vultures. If you are a close friend then you already know that I am happy, and that Marty is happy too. Sure we have our ups and downs. We are only human after all, and life is never perfectly blissful happiness. And if it was I’m sure we would all be boring nitwits. A bit of a challenge here and there can be very character building.

Marty is the most amazing person I have ever known. A very selfless person, witty, romantic, charming, energetic… amongst so many other things. He has helped me through the toughest times in my life, and shared the happiest moments as well. His boundless energy is inspiring. The man is like a machine! He loves buying presents, and springing surprises on people. Once he took me to New York for a surprise. He has been my dearest and closest friend since the age of 16. He has saved my life on more than one occasion. We will always be the best of friends. That is something people find hard to understand, or believe.

Why do people think that separation only happens when life has gotten too awful to bear? Maybe it is that way for most people. I guess the majority of people are scared of change, fearful of making mistakes, full of ‘what ifs’. Why do people let life get to the stage where it is too awful to bear? Why do they keep plodding on until both parties absolutely hate each other and can not spend a single moment in each others company any more? Isn’t it more sensible for the sake of everyone involved to sort things out whilst both are still friends?

I’m sure people have all sorts of opinions on the subject, but I just don’t really care for anyone else’s opinions. People will say that if things aren’t that bad then you should remain together. That’s their opinion and I don’t agree. And since it’s my life and not theirs I choose to do what I think is right; not what is least shocking for others. And I don’t ever want to get to the stage where we can’t be friends; where we have to drop the kids off in each others driveways without any communication, for fear of an unsightly scene or row. Now surely that would be worse for the kids?

The facts of the matter are that I grew up in a totally warped cult church. Looking back I have no idea how my parents were able to live that way. But they did, and so we had to as well. There are many aspects of that church that are totally f****d up; one of which is their dating policy. As a 16 year old I was only allowed to date if it was with someone I would consider marriage with. If marriage wasn’t on the cards after a few months, then the relationship was ‘advised’ to end. Not that it was possible to actually have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. Alone time was not allowed, chaperoning commonplace; it was virtually impossible to tell if someone was good marriage material in that sort of situation! Many young girls in that church got married whilst still children. I was one of them. Fortunately for me, my fella turned out to be a real gem. Others were not always so fortunate.

At 16 or 17 years old you are still a child. Why on earth do people let kids get married? Are they really so fearful of sex outside marriage leading to eternal damnation that it is considered the better option to marry the children off? They might not be married to someone who really suits them, they might never have lived on their own or have any experience of adult life, they might not know who they are or what they believe or where they want to go with life – but at least they wont commit fornication and thus burn in hell forever!

As one of the lucky ones I have had 16 wonderful years married to the most awesome person that I’ve ever met. And I don’t regret a single day that we have known each other. What I do regret is that I never had the chance to learn about myself, be myself, express myself as an individual, and to grow. Marty understands this. He knows how I feel. Do you have any idea what it must be like to know that the life you are living was never really your own choice? That people or organisations forced you to follow paths that you would not have chosen if you had had freedom of will, self identity and security? You feel trapped. You start to get bitter and angry.

I have never, ever, lived as a single person. I have never had a chance to know myself or to spend time with myself. Without going into details, that has given me ‘issues’. My good friends know exactly what I am talking about. So no need to go into it here. But Marty, being the wonderful person that he is, understands. We need space from each other. We need time to grow. We need a lot of things that being together can not provide. But we will always love each other, and we will always remain close. We will be in and out of each others houses and lives daily. Some people might not understand this. How can a separation be happy? The fact is, that it is, that we are and that we hopefully always will be.

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